*Note: This lovely conversation with Jessica Butler was conducted in May of 2020.

At the time I’m writing this, it’s a deliciously warm Thursday morning after a week of gloomy, unseasonably chilly St. Louis days. After several months in what could at times feel like an apocalyptic lockdown, the singing birds outside my window are inviting a positive outlook back in. These are COVID-19 times—a stretch of the calendar that daily invites us to make a choice: happy or sad? Calm or worried? Grateful or grumpy?

Today I woke up on the peaceful side of the bed because I’ve been thinking about a new, albeit online, relationship I’ve formed with another incredible mother. I was lucky to be introduced to Jessica Butler by a fellow St. Louis mom and friend. Jessica splits her time now between L.A. and Tucson, but she grew up in Kansas City and studied screenwriting at Webster University in St. Louis. She speaks fondly of St. Louis, but my favorite discovery about Jessica is that she’s also a passionate writer that recently founded a motherhood website called Raise Magazine.

Raise is a lifestyle website for modern mothers featuring stories of step-parenting, adoption, foster care, surrogacy, and non-traditional families. I was instantly drawn to her dedication to representing marginalized mothers, something I’m passionate about as well.

Prior to Raise, she was a writer on USA’s In Plain Sight and TNT’s The Last Ship. She and her husband, writer/producer Warren Bell, co-created the Nick at Nite series Instant Mom, based on her life as a stepmother.

After joining Warren and her two stepsons, they continued to build their love-filled unconventional family and adopted their now five-year-old son, Levon. Jessica’s family story is far from uncommon, although widely misrepresented—or simply, not represented at all—in modern media. We chatted about her journey to creating a website that addresses that discrepancy, and—as usually happens with cool moms—I found myself wanting more when the conversation ended. She’s a passionately convicted person who is not afraid to be honest and vulnerable. She’s funny, in a delightfully dry way that makes you wonder if she means to be. And the few things I gleaned from our conversation have me guessing that she’s also an excellent mother, wife, and friend.

You grew up in Kansas City and studied at Webster in St. Louis. When and why did you move to L.A.? Tell us about your work there before starting Raise.
I moved to L.A. six months after graduating college and landed a job as an assistant on a sitcom four days later. I worked in both production and production finance before becoming a writer and then worked as a drama writer up until my youngest son was born.

Very cool. And before you adopted your son, you met your husband Warren. How did you meet? Share a bit about your story with him, and of course, tell us about your two stepsons.

We met on the set of “According To Jim.” He was a writer and I was a production assistant—such a cliché.

We worked together while he was still married to his first wife, and one of the things I loved about him was how complimentary he was to her and their children. He never gossiped about the issues they were having in their marriage, and I deeply respected him for that. We worked together for almost a year before we started dating.

My stepsons are incredible. My oldest is a musician in New York and my youngest goes to Kansas University. They’re curious and captivating human beings, and I’d rather spend time with them than anyone else. It makes devoting myself to parenthood very easy.

How did your relationship with your soon-to-be stepsons evolve?

They were 8 and 13 when we started dating and were very open to bonding with anyone who would engage with them. I simply followed their lead. I give all the credit to my husband and his ex-wife, who allowed and encouraged the boys to have a relationship with my family and me.

Tell us about Levon. Are you comfortable sharing a bit about his story?

Of course, we have an open adoption with his birth grandparents and own a second home down the street from them in Tucson, AZ, which we visit several times a year.

How did your call to adoption feel? Did you or do you feel a pull to foster as well?

It was something I’ve always wanted to do. My mother was adopted, so I’ve always considered it a natural way to grow a family. From the start, we knew we wanted to pursue domestic infant adoption.

What are a few things that have surprised you about adoption?

How broken the system is. I had no idea that adoption laws vary state to state. We need federal regulation. Established and enforced ethical adoption practices. Post placement support for birth mothers, access to original birth certificates and adoption paperwork for every adoptee in the country and universal healthcare for foster children.

What about motherhood in general? What is surprising—something you didn’t expect?

I’m much more confident since becoming a mother, and my priorities are extremely clear to me now.

Same here. Why was it important for you to found Raise? I love your dedication to unique and non-traditional parenthood stories.

Non-traditional mothers are terribly unrepresented in media. Magazines, TV, film, and marketing are all geared toward traditional, biological mothers, and they completely ignore the issues that so many of us face in our motherhood journeys. We’re finally establishing a standard on how to address sexuality, race, and even gender, but there’s still no discussion or education on adoption or foster care. It’s baffling.

On a more personal note, I don’t want to see my children grow up in a world where their family structure is seen as less valuable or less than ideal.

- JESSICA BUTLER, RAISE MAGAZINE

Powerfully said! How has motherhood informed your career? What has changed the most since becoming a mother?

Well, I quit my job, so there’s that. My youngest son was unexpectedly born 10 weeks premature, and it was important to me to be home with him to manage his early intervention therapies. I have no idea if I would have made the same choice had he been full term, but I assume so. I’m fortunate enough to be able to afford to stay home with him, though I honestly don’t know how anyone affords childcare in this country. It’s absolutely insane.

I’m much better now at saying no to opportunities. If it’s going to take me away from Levon, it has to be something I’m very passionate about.

What does being an intentional or conscious mother mean to you? What about an intentional business owner?

Being present, of course. Present in a way that they feel, not just in the same room looking at my phone or working. Communication is the most important thing to me, especially in a blended family. I’m extraordinarily honest and vulnerable with my children. They know when I’m mad, they know when I’m upset, and they know why. I want them to know me as human and flawed--and in charge, of course. But I don’t pretend to be perfect.

In business, I’m big on sharing success. I come from TV, which is a very collaborative medium. A script is nothing without the actors, and so on. My blog is nothing without my contributors and my partner, Erin. Being the founder is no more or less important than any other position. I could not do this without the other people involved.

That’s such great advice. It seems as though you’ve always had an entrepreneurial spirit. Is that true? If so, what do you like most about that freedom? And in contrast, what’s the worst part about working for yourself?

I don’t know if I’ve always been an entrepreneur, but I’ve always been very self-motivated. In this season of my life, the most important thing is that I can control my schedule, which means I had to find a way to be my own boss. I’m also chronically late, which is much less of a problem when you’re self-employed.

The worst part is that you work very hard for a very long without making any money. I work far harder now than I ever did as a TV writer, but I made way more money back then. Somedays, it’s hard to feel motivated when you’re not getting a paycheck.

How would you describe your brand aesthetic and your personal aesthetic?

Non-traditional, in all aspects. The brand speaks for itself. As far as my personal aesthetic goes, our L.A. house is a funky little space that was built as a fishing cabin on a private lake outside of Los Angeles. It was expanded over time, but it’s still very small because of the restrictions in our neighborhood. It’s the size of a hotel suit with just one bathroom, but four of us live in it and it totally works. It’s nuts, but it works.

You’ll never see fashion posts on my Insta because I live in bathrobes and nightgowns. Nice ones, and I wear jewelry with them, but still. My outfit of choice is a silk nightgown, sunglasses, and a coffee or cocktail in hand, depending on what time it is.

Share some parenting advice or simple philosophies you have.

Raise your children to be who they want to be, not who you want them to be.

My philosophy is that children can love two mothers, just like mothers can love two children. It’s not a competition. All of my sons have two moms—either a mom and a stepmom or a mom and a birth mom.

I’ve never heard it put that way and I’m obsessed with that point-of-view! Hearing that makes so much sense—of course they can love two mothers, and why would anyone ever doubt it? Beautifully put. What’s some good advice you’ve been given by a woman?

My grandmothers set the standard for modern families. My paternal grandmother never allowed her step grandchildren to be treated differently than her biological grandchildren. The words “step” and “half” were not allowed in her house. My maternal grandmother adopted my mother, and there was no tolerance for treating an adopted child any differently than a biological one. Their advice was to treat all children equally, regardless of biology, which obviously informed how I built my family.

What’s something that excites you about motherhood? What makes you the most nervous?

I love creating traditions with our kids. Traditions are what life is made of. Other than my children’s health, I’m not too nervous when it comes to motherhood. I’m already on the other side of it with my older boys, and I love having grown children. It’s so fun.

I love traditions too. Having family rituals is incredibly comforting. Can you name a few woman icons you have?

Aside from my grandmothers, my son’s Early Intervention therapists. And Streisand.

Be our tour guide for a moment. What’s something we should do the next time we visit L.A.? Tucson?

Most of my L.A. life takes place in the suburbs. I’m a huge supporter of local restaurants Plata and Basta in Agoura, Sugarfish in Calabasas, Nobu in Malibu, and Cornell Winery. Zuma Beach is our hangout. Concerts at The Greek and the Hollywood Bowl are musts.

People are surprised to find that Tucson is such a foodie town. Boca Tacos on 4th Street is THE BEST. Hiking in Pima Canyon and Catalina State Park. The Sonoran Desert Museum with kids.

What’s next for Raise?

We’re so excited to be expanding as an editorial. We have more contributors signing on and regular lifestyle posts coming up—recipes, décor, and product features, all aimed at non-traditional moms. Our plans for in-person events have obviously been postponed, but we’re continuing to grow our online community and even considering digital events.

And finally, how are you? How is your family during this time? What are you doing to stay sane and comforted during COVID-19?

The kids are handling it better than we are. We’re healthy so we have nothing to complain about it, but we miss our life. We miss our routine. We miss our friends. Luckily we really like each other. Eating dinner together every night is a big thing for us. Our whole day leads up to that. I’m just hoping my son’s first day of kindergarten happens in a school, not at our kitchen table.

Thank you so much, Jessica! If you’d like to learn more about what we chatted about, you can read Levon’s full adoption story in Jessica’s words on Raise. You can also read more about her relationship with Warren.

All photos courtesy of Jessica Butler.

Like a Mother: An Interview with Jessica Butler of Raise Magazine